Visiting Wonderland
by Tinntinabulations
Summary: Prussia and fem!UK - Gilbert's life can never quite be the same when he loses who he loved the most. "Gilbert, What are you doing out here?" His brother's thick accent sliced the tender atmosphere like a knife. "Visiting wonderland,"
1. Wonderland

Alice crashed against the grass, pulling the mystery boy with her. Her hands reaching towards the fox mask but being instantly rebuffed by another pair. She giggled madly, showing her teeth as she smiled, a deep chuckle resounded in response and she lunged towards the boy.

She gripped his arm tightly as he took a drag of his cigarette, smoke spilling from his mouth and nose simultaneously leaving her enthralled as she tried to grab at it.

The sounds of the party behind them faded away.

"Smoke is magical, it's like… out of wonderland."

"But my dear, this is not wonderland. And you are not Alice." The boy replied to her as he took a last drag, stared at the remaining embers nearing the filter before snubbing it on the ground.

"I am, I. am. Alice!" She cried above the sound of the wind, everything was very quiet around her but all she could make out was the blood drumming through her ears.

"Alice?" The man with the accent tilted his head.

She nodded hers vigorously, to which he replied with slight shake of his own.

"Yes! I am Alice, the one and only." She pulled herself to her knees and glanced up at the stars.

The sky was truly amazing tonight.

"Alice!" The man cheered and grabbed her round the waist, burying his face in her unruly blonde hair as he pulled her down to his level and they rolled among the dew stained grass.

"I knew it was you! I just did, but so many people weren't the right one." She nodded as he explained, raising herself on her haunches as he lowered himself on his elbows.

She peered through the mask before pulling it off quickly, their mouths closer and closer with each breath.

"Gilbert," She whispered in complete sobriety, he shuffled closer to her and gave her lips a quick peck.

"Ja?" They gazed into each other's eyes, the green and red a heavy contrast.

"Do we have to do this every time we meet up?" He smirked to which she smiled slightly, letting out a gentile laugh. He connected their foreheads and both closed their eyes, he closed the distance and kissed her lovingly on the tip of her nose, then the mouth.

"How long have we been doing this?" Gilbert mumbled against Alice's lips.

"Two years," He took advantage of her parted lips and pressed his open ones against hers, his tongue darting into her mouth.

"Maybe we should stop this tradition then, hmm?" He said as they parted, he lent back, Alice turning round and laying beside him.

"Maybe stargazing," He turned his head to stare at her, she was however, focused solely on the twinkling galaxy above.

"How's that better than pretending that we're in wonderland?" He smiled subtly at the girl whose attention was still not his.

"Because it's like really being there," She spoke softly, Gilbert rolled on his side, reaching to caress her cheek.

"Stay here with me Alice, come back down and stay," Her eyes flickered and met his.

"Don't try and leave me again," He crooned, she rolled over to match him, their faces once again inches apart.

"Wouldn't dream of it love," They stayed like that for hours, gazing into one another's eyes as if they were the stars themselves.

Footsteps approached, breaking the perfect silence. Gilbert huffed slightly and sat up, placing Alice on his lap and burrowing his face in her jacket.

Just to feel closer for a few minutes.

"Gilbert, What are you doing out here?" His brother's thick accent sliced the tender atmosphere like a knife. Gilbert shrugged, pulled from the memory, though the smoke and lavender smell lingered his nose. Inhaling it like his personal cigarette.

"Visiting wonderland," Gilbert commented with a deadpan tone, as if the answer was plainly obvious.

His brother sighed as he finally walked to stand beside him, two bottles of uncapped beer in his hands, he sat slowly and handed one to the albino.

"Bought you a drink because I thought you might…" He glance at the khaki coloured canvas jacket and closed his eyes in slight frustration, "Need it."

"I thought you were done with this Gil, it has been," His older brother cut him off.

"Two years, yeah I know," he made a grabbing motion with his hand after placing the jacket in his lap, his brother handing him the cool bottle.

He took a swig and smacked his lips as the cool and slightly bitter liquid coated his throat.

"Doesn't make it easier," Both brothers looked at their shoes, Ludwig had dealt with this but was truly terrible with expressing his emotions, sometimes he wondered if Gilbert would have survived those first months if it weren't for his friends.

He shivered slightly at the thought and bought the bottle to his lips, staring at his brother all the while. Gilbert had taken to tracing the rim, his finger damp with beer warmed to body temperature.

He sighed and licked it off quickly, placing the bottle by his side still mostly full and leaning back on his palms, staring not so far up at the gleaming stars but instead into the distance; where the dark trees met the slightly lighter and star lightened sky.

"I just miss her, all the fucking time," His voice was shaking slightly as he admitted more than he ever had since the accident.

"And sometimes," He paused, his brother said nothing but he knew he was listening.

He couldn't say it, what he really wanted. That Alice had lied to him, left him behind, broken him, ripped him into little pieces and thrown him like confetti.

He let out a stifled sob and closed his eyes.

"Sometimes I wish I could join her," Gilberts shoulders began to heave but no sound emerged, his brother remained silent again but his knuckles tightened around the bottle neck to the point where they strained white.

It was bad enough losing his sister-in-law; he didn't think he could put up his collected façade if his brother left as well.

"Bruder," He started off carefully, glancing at his brother whose eyes hadn't moved from the horizon, "There was nothing anyone could have done, these things just happen," Gilbert nodded bitterly.

He wished he had someone to blame, a mugger, or a murderer; a disease that he could fritter his days away working effortlessly to find a cure for.

But he had no one; Alice was taken from him in a simple road accident.

A frustratingly painful and achingly sorrowful 'It just happens' situation, The doctors had been busy due to the heavy snow but they'd done their best for her.

_"Gil, are you watching the news?" Alice yelled from the kitchen, still clad in her pyjamas_. _Gilbert_ _sauntered through in just a towel, hair dripping on his shoulders._

_"No, just got out the shower," He waltzed over and embraced her from behind, "Why? Did someone we know die?" Alice turned and wacked his arm, he laughed and grabbed her wrists._

_"Careful, my towel might fall," He waggled his eyebrows at her and received a giggle in return._

_"Bastard, that's not nice! What if it was someone you knew?" They both stared at the telly where the newsreader announced a rise in 10% of fatal accidents in the last week due to unexpected snowfall._

_"I dunno, I don't much care for the frog," Gilbert answered, Alice raised her brows in response before bursting into peals of laughter._

_Gilbert pulled her into a quick kiss, letting her go gently and turning from the room. He looked back to see her now pouring some cereal, TV forgotten about already._

_"Are you planning on going out today Ali?" Gil yelled out as he reached the living room._

_"Probably, just for a bit though," He heard the fridge open and close, the telltale sound of milk being decanted._

_"Would you like something special for lunch?" He scratched his neck and ran his hands through his damp white hair._

_"No, I'm alright," He replied and walked up the stairs._

He never thanked her for asking about lunch, he never apologised about laughing at her concerns.

He never said goodbye, because by the time he had preened and dressed and fed their canary, she had already left.

Gilbert remembered finding her note.

_'Gone into the white wonderland, hope I don't get lost down a rabbit hole J_

_Be back soon, Alice x'_

He had smiled and pocketed it, waiting for her to come home.

But she never did.

Alice Beilschmidt's, formerly Kirkland, car had taken a sharp turn on a foggy road and hit some black ice, she was stuck in her car, in temperatures of below freezing for an hour before someone found her on the otherwise abandoned back road. It took the paramedics another half an hour to pry apart the wrecked vehicle and reach her.

By then Alice Beilschmidt was long dead.

Gilbert remember the numbing phone call, the careful drive over icy roads to the hospital, the wishing and hoping that it was another Alice, not his, anyone but his Alice.

The doctor comforting him, telling him 'these things happen' sometimes. After that it became a blur, of shocked faces, more comforting, crying, comforting.

The crushing emptiness of being alone in the house she had loved, watching the garden she'd tended wilt and die, weeds and creepers over running everything.

"Gilbert," He felt himself pulled back to reality by his brother, he looked genuinely worried and Gilbert felt a twinge of guilt at putting his brother and friends through this. Not only had they had to deal with the loss of their best friend, but their other one wishing he could follow her on.

"Sorry Bruder," Gilbert whispered, Ludwig turned to give him a look, he opened his mouth to reply but nothing came out.

He let out a sigh and settled for reaching across and patting his brother on the shoulder.

"I know it's been a tough two years, but the pain will lessen with time," He gazed into his brothers sincere blue eyes and said nothing.

His thoughts marred with contempt. Like his brother knew half the pain he had been through.

He watched as his brother stood, wiping his hands on his trousers despite having no dirt on them, finishing his beer and keeping the bottle in one hand; the light of the moon reflecting sharply off the side.

"I'm going to go inside and check on Feli, she can't drink because of the baby and I feel bad leaving her," Gilbert bit his lip, his brothers, and sister-in-law, first child was due in the next few months.

He should have been ecstatic to be an uncle, but the thought drew him to possible futures with Alice, a future both had missed.

And they did have a future; he was sure he couldn't feel this empty or lost if they weren't meant to be together.

He nodded in reply to his brother and watched as he left up the garden; Gilbert stood slowly, the stiffness in his joints from being outside in the chilly night air for so long reaching him as he heard cracks in his shoulders and elbows.

He looked up at the night sky and remembered how they had first met, how they had talked long into the night about magical creatures and alternate realities and what was out there.

She had fascinated him, he thought back and knew she still did, he wasn't quite sure how he had lived without her.

He stared at the sky and shook his head with a sad smile, how could someone so vibrant just disappear one day? It was like snuffing out a star. He reached out with his hand and covered a far off dying sun with his thumb, closing one eye so it was no longer visible. He could still see the light shining out around his thumb.

He walked slowly back to the party, into Antonio and Lovina's lovely home.

_Not as lovely as ours._

He spotted Francis as he strolled through the French doors, walking over with haste he pulled his friend into a one-armed hug.

"Oh, Mon Cher," He smiled happily and mirrored the embrace with equal enthusiasm.

_He pities me._

"Glad you finally returned, rather long cigarette break non?" Gilbert merely chuckled.

_"Oh Francis!" Alice had laughed and scoffed at the same time, "Stop calling them cigarettes! It's far too posh, their called fags, darling," Alice and Francis's laughter echoed through the air._

"I came to tell you I'm leaving, and just thought I ought to say goodbye," Francis looked taken aback.

"So soon?" Gilbert simply nodded, "Oh, well then I shall see you soon Mon ami," Giving him one last hug.

"Yeah, you too dude," He gave the Frenchman a lasting squeeze, much to his evident delight before moving along, his eyes scanning the buzzing room for his Spanish friend and brother.

He could just make them out amongst the other partygoers, watching them made his heart drop slightly. Antonio was standing with Lovina by his side, his arm draped lovingly over her shoulder. Next to them were his best friend and cousin, also looking particularly couple-y, this was a very common sight, and he wondered why he still got a shooting pang of jealousy and despair when he saw it. Antonio and Elizaveta were doing all the talking, Roderich nodding in the right places and Lovina looking as though she wished she were anywhere but the party, Gilbert scoffed at his observation. Leave it to ungrateful Lovina to take her wonderful relationship for granted.

_"You're a bastard Gilbert! An absolute fucking bastard!" Alice's beautiful face contorted with anger and…_

_Disappointment. _

He cringed at the memory and tried to stop himself reliving the rest, but it had begun and no matter what he could not forget the event. 

_"Yeah?" He screamed back, the two facing each other across the coffee table, the small yellow bird flitting around the room distraught at the atmosphere his owners were creating. "Well you're no angel either, this whole thing has been all about you and I am sick of it, and if you don't like it you can just fuck off! Cause I really couldn't give less of a shit!" Both glared at the other, Alice's face slowly falling much to Gilberts horror. Her lip trembled and her eyes became watery as she tried to hold back the tears threatening to spill._

_"Oh fuck, Ali, I… I didn't mean it," Gilbert came around the table, immediately regretting what he had said, as Alice wrapped an arm around her torso and the other covered in the sleeve of her cardigan and held over her face, absorbing the tears. She let out a hiccupped wail and began sobbing into her hand uncontrollably, shrugging Gilbert off as he tried to absolve her with a hug. _

_Finally she acquiesced and still with her hands on her face, buried her head into his chest, body convulsing with sobs. Gilbert wasn't sure how to respond and settled for rubbing her back soothingly and murmuring to her. _

_"Sweetie, shh, shush now," He kissed the top of her head lightly as she hiccupped, her breathing rough from the hysterical crying. "I was wrong, this is your big day and you do what you want, invite Ivan, I don't mind," She looked up at him, her eyes puffy, and the green vibrantly contrasting the red. Her bottom lip pulled in as she sucked in frequent ragged breaths._

_"But y-y-you d-do though," Her speech stuttered through her crying and she broke off as a fresh wave of tears came on._

_"Hey, hey, I really don't, what I do care about is you feeling wonderful, I never wanted to make you upset," She stopped crying but her breathing was still sporadic and hitched. "I'm so sorry I made you cry, Ali, babe, do you forgive me?" She nodded lightly, still wiping away tears on the side of her cardigan as he engulfed her in a bigger hug. _

_"Better?" He inquired, his nose buried in her hair, he could smell vanilla and apple. She moved back and nodded again, smiling slightly and looking down. _

_"S-sorry, God," She swiped at her face and fanned her eyes, trying to down play the situation "I'm such a c-cry baby," Gilbert wiped a stray tear from her cheek and held her chin._

_"Ali, you are not a cry baby, I am a giant dick, and now what am I?" Gilbert prompted and Alice just giggled gently through her tears, but her eyes filled with tears again. _

_"Alice Kirkland, you are going to stop that right now and answer me, what am I?" Gilbert couldn't stand the look of hurt on Alice's face and knew he would stay here all night if he had to, to stop her hurting. _

_ "A giant dick?" Gilbert nodded as Alice started to full on laugh though her voice remained thick, "And what are you not?" She looked down as he sought her eyes, they met for a second and both smiled at one another gently, Alice albeit reluctantly._

_"A cry baby," She took a deep breath and moved away, "Thanks Gil," both were silent before Alice announced she was going to make a cup of tea and Gilbert mumbled about a football game. _

_As she left Gilbert grabbed her hand and squeezed it, Alice stayed with her head turned away, her hair blocking her face her from view. _

_"We're okay now, right?" Her head bowed slightly, as though her eyes had cast downwards for a moment in thought, Gilbert felt slightly ill, his heart thumping. _

_Alice squeezed his hand gently._

_"Of course we are," She sat next to him and frowned as though he had said the silliest thing in the world._

_"Now budge up, you're hogging the comfy side," Alice snuggled up next to Gilbert as he ran a hand through her hair, tea forgotten. They fell asleep like that in front of the glowing television, their hands still tightly clasped. _

"Hey, Gilly!" His sister in-laws bubbly voice dragged him harshly from his thoughts and he gazed up, still partly dazed, into the amber eyes of the heavily pregnant Feliciana.

"I've been trying to get your attention for ages!" She gushed, her Italian thick as she tried to get all the words out, Gilbert had to strain to catch half of it.

"Roderich and Liz left, they said goodbye but you weren't really listening, then everyone else decided to go but we didn't want to bother you because it's the anniversary of-,"

"Feli! Please, think before you speak," Ludwig was able to put a stop to her social indiscretion as he walked over to his wife and handed her jacket to her, which she graciously accepted from him.

"It's fine really," Gilbert felt exhausted and drained and reached up to rub his eyes, still clutching the worn khaki jacket in his opposite hand. He needed to perk up and snap out of it.

"You're sure?" Ludwig raised a brow and sat in the chair opposite to his brother, the Italian woman meanwhile ran as fast as her large body would allow to say a final thank you and goodbye to Lovina and Antonio.

"Because you said you were leaving and then managed to stay sitting at this table for the past two hours," Gilbert frowned at his brother's admission, two whole hours he had sat there? In the past he would have been the one jumping on tables and socializing the house down, but somehow now…

"I guess it just doesn't seem that important anymore," he muttered to himself, shrugging and continuing to stare helplessly out of the window, the sky had gone a deep black now, dark enough to steal off into.

His brother merely nodded and stood, offering his hand to the albino man.

"I understand, and I think maybe it would help you to…" he sighed and rubbed his temple, "See someone about it? It couldn't hurt Gilbert," He bit his lip and glanced toward the other three in the hallway, their conversation echoing off the walls.

"We're just worried about you," Gilbert nodded, feeling too fatigued to hide his emotions behind pride anymore.

"I'll think about it," Ludwig bobbed his head curtly in response, "That's all I ask," both brothers stood and began to walk toward the hall where the door was now open and a cool breeze making it's way through the open entrance.

Stepping outside he nodded at Lovina as she finished saying goodbye to her sister and walked inside rubbing her arms and shivering. He could see Feli and Ludwig at the top of the driveway waiting by their car, parked just outside by the road.

"So, how'd you find it?" he turned to address his Spanish friend, his brown curls shifting in the breeze, both hands shoved deeply into his thick cardigan pockets. Gilbert smiled at Antonio's thin red glasses, he only ever needed them if he was too tired to read properly.

"All right, thanks for… inviting me, I know I've been difficult lately but I," He took a breath and glanced at his friend who appraised him quizzically.

" I appreciate it," Antonio laughed lightly and kicked a pebble by his feet gently.

"Gil, we don't do it because we have to, we put up with you because we love you," He pulled the albino into a hug, "Because we care about you," He leaned back and smiled gently at his friend before patting his back.

"You'd better not leave the others waiting, It's getting chilly," As if on cue a nasty breeze picked up and swirled around them, whistling in Gilberts ears.

"Adios, Gilbert," Antonio smiled again as he turned and headed back into his warm and brightly lit house.

Gilbert sighed, "Yeah, bye Toni," he was met with silence as he trudged up the gravel drive towards his brother's car, signifying his friend had not heard him.

Maybe things could go back to normal, he eyed the bright full moon, it bounced in his vision as he took hurried steps to reach the warmth of the car. His fingers numb in his pockets.

It wasn't impossible to feel like normal again, hang out with friends, concentrate on his work and get back on track. Have a life.

_What life though?_

He shook his head, negativity would get him nowhere, the loud honk of a car made him jump and he whipped around to get a face full of headlight from Ludwig's car he had nicknamed the monster truck.

"Are you getting in? It's bitter out Gilbert, get inside before you catch a cold!" Gilbert scoffed at how Ludwig sounded like an old man.

_I'm meant to be the one giving advice. _

"Yeah, just umm, needed some more air, it was a bit too stuffy in there for me," His brothers looked unconvinced but rolled his eyes none the less.

"Alright, but we're going in five minutes," The window of the car rolled up with a mechanical buzz and the headlights dimmed into nothingness, he heard the beginnings of a conversation between the two in the car before the window cut it off.

He nodded thanks at the darkened windshield, although he could not be sure Ludwig or Feliciana had acknowledge this. Stepping out into the dimly lit road he continued his stargazing, many had now been extinguished by the clouds but the north star still shone brightly, unperturbed by the floating condensed water vapour.

The whole road was quiet and dead, Gilbert felt as though he was the only person awake for a second, his eyes slid shut and he exhaled a breath of relief, as though he truly could for the first time in a long time.

"First time in a long time, I'm always surrounded by friends who want to help, yet I don't think I've ever felt this alone," He chuckled bitterly, his eyes roaming to his shoes.

They were worn and grubby, how had they come to be in such disrepair without his noticing?

His eyes watered slightly as he gazed lovingly up into the heavens.

"Oh Ali, what could have been if you hadn't of gone out that day?" His garnet eyes closed and his pale face, illuminated in the moonlight, contorted in anguish.

He stayed like this for a minute or two before the finally opened; half lidded they flickered to the side of the empty road as a gentle gust blew past him.

"I just have to move on," His face betrayed no emotion as he repeated the line, "I should move on," His fist clenched and he sighed loudly, "Why is this so hard?" He frowned questioningly at the frosty grass of the abandoned garden across the street, why-.

"Gilbert!" His eyes widened, had he imagined that? It sounded like Alice calling him.

"Alice?" He called tentatively back, his heart pounding, this couldn't be real, could it?

"Gilbert!" His brothers voice sliced through the air, Gilbert whipped round to make out his brothers face in the darkness, he turned towards the headlights almost upon him, his hands gripping the jacket he's kept in his hands the entire night.

Oh.

Gilbert blinked a few times, the light burned his sensitive eyes and he ringed and reached up to rub them.

Wait-

The albino stood up from his seat on the soft cream sofa with the union jack tapestry throw, his mouth opened and closed like a fish out of water.

"B-B-uhh, I wrecked that," He mindlessly stated as he walked around the neatly furnished yet cosy room.

_Exactly the same as he remembered, down to the empty bowl of cereal on the coffee table._

He moved slowly around the room, his eyes fixed on the photos that were now miraculously not torn or burnt in a drunken haze, the mirror pieced together and the glasses all unscathed.

"But I broke this," His voice echoed his disbelief as he lifted the china lamp, manoeuvring his head around the cord to check for cracks in the bottom.

He placed it down and bit his lip in query.

"What the fuck is going on?" He questioned quietly as he chewed the skin on his index finger and tried to comprehend what had happened. The party, his friends, his brother, the car…

"Gilbert!"

That was it, it felt so real he could almost here that voice calling his name again, like he had before-.

The door shut behind him, he shook himself out of his stupor but couldn't quite turn around.

"Gilbert, why are you just standing in the middle of the room like a lemon? I asked you to help me with the bags," His breath seemed to leave his body all at once, he couldn't think, couldn't move or breathe. Yet somehow managed to turn and face her.

"Alice," He breathed, her pale face flushed with the cold, her blonde hair damp with flakes of snow still visible. Her eyes, _her beautiful green eyes, _met his.

"Are you okay?" Her voice was perfect, better than he could ever remember.

"Gil-," her voice was cut off as he ran over to her, engulfing her in his arms and peppering her with kisses, surprising her into dropping the bags onto the floor with a dull thud.

"But the car, you, it-" he eyed her all over much to her disparagement.

"Gil, you know I didn't take the car today, remember? The battery went dead and Ludwig can't fix it till tomorrow, I walked which is why I'm covered in snow," Gilbert ignored her and resumed the hug.

"Oh Ali," He crooned as he embraced her, smelling her hair and relishing her warmth, _her life, _under his palms. "Don't ever leave me again, please, not again," his eyes began watering so he shut them, his lashes merging with the wetness.

Alice's eyes widened as she saw his tears, her breath hitched and she felt herself becoming emotional in her husbands embrace.

"Gilbert, darling, what happened? I've only been gone an hour," He merely shook his head and held her tighter, she observed his face which appeared to hold a look of relief and happiness. She couldn't help but smile and wonder what her husband was thinking.

He sighed, holding her face between his palms and taking one last long look, kissing her hard on the mouth to her shock. When they finally broke apart Alice had to catch her breath, she stared at Gilbert quizzically.

"What happened?" Gilbert smiled, his eyes still shut as he held her close again, to her utter confusion, he was normally sweet-natured between acting like an utter idiot but this was plain odd.

"Oh, nothing and everything," Alice rolled her eyes, Gilbert up to his old self really, why was she so surprised by this?

"Well then Mr Nothing and Everything, we have shopping to put away," Gilbert finally and reluctantly relinquished his hold on her. He had to keep it together, _and not wake up. _

"Ah yes, shopping," He eyed the bags with glee and picked them all off the floor, waltzing happily into the kitchen, Alice stared after, Gilbert had never once been happy about mundane tasks like shopping.

"Are you _sure_ you're ok?" She leaned against the counter as he placed the tins into the cupboards.

"Yeah babe, why wouldn't I be?" He turned and smiled at her, not his trademark smirk but a loving, tender smile.

She shook her head silently, and allowed him to continue, as she turned to make two cups of tea.

The two sat on the sofa together, Gilbert as close as he could get without smothering the woman.

He gazed down at her, "Thanks Ali, for the shopping and stuff," Alice laughed it off, giving him an odd look.

"Well, what would you do without me?" Gilbert paled slightly and muttered to himself, "I don't ever want to find out," Alice stared at him for a bit, what was with him today? She sighed lightly, she'd probably never know.

Alice turned back to watching the TV, Gilbert stroking her hair as usual. He hummed slightly to get her attention.

"Yes, Gil?" she tilted her head so she could see him out of the corner of her eye, his were fixed on the telly but she could see a he was thinking about something else. He laced his fingers with hers, allowing their entwined hands to fall into his lap.

Alice glanced at their fingers, pale and palest intertwined, gold bands flashing in the dim light.

"Um, Gilbert?" He looked at her and hummed in response.

"Your sure your alright?" Gilbert said nothing for a minute, his eyes drifting off into the distance until Alice squeezed his hand with her own. He beamed at her.

"Honestly?" He glanced at their hands himself and wondered.

_I guess things like this just happen._

"Never been better," He replied hurriedly, and leaned over to peck Alice on the end of the nose.

_Bad things happen, but sweet things have happened, they still do. _


	2. Down the Rabbit Hole

This is the more melancholic ending, as I refer to it. I wanted something a little grittier to go with the dark atmosphere that works through the story. This was the original but on prompting I didn't originally upload it because of the more unpopular reception it may receive Either way here it is, enjoy :)

* * *

"Gilbert!" His eyes widened, had he imagined that? It sounded like Alice calling him.

"Alice?" He called tentatively back, his heart pounding, this couldn't be real, could it?

"Gil," the German accent he was so familiar with drifted to his ears and shook him with realisation.

"Oh," _Just my imagination. _

"Gilbert, we need to get going, it's late," He nodded meekly at his brother's request and stepped towards the car.

He took one last look at the sky before he shut the door behind himself, "Move on, huh?"

The car door closing echoed throughout the empty street and the car started up quickly, pulling away from the curb with haste to get into the warmth of home.

_Home, house, place. Same thing. _

Gilberts eyes slid shut as he dozed in the back of the car, his body sinking into the soft leather upholstery, the light of the street lamps rolling occasionally across his skin.

He tried not to think in the few minutes journey back to his house, but his mind kept flitting back and forth between moments. Trying to stop it was like trying to keep a taut elastic band from eventually springing back, no matter how hard you try, it would sting.

He felt the car slow, the tell-tale crunch of gravel that alerted him to his stop. He waited until the car had come to a complete halt, his eyes blinking rapidly to dispel his fatigue. Neither his brother nor his wife said anything as he exited the vehicle, his breath billowing into clouds before him in the cold night.

He stretched slightly, rolling his shoulders as he patted the window of his brothers Landover, the tinted glass rolled down slightly and he smiled at the otherwise stoic face inside, he could exhaustion hanging on the both of them.

_Is that worry I can see? Was it me who caused that? _

Gilbert hesitated, as though he might say something, but instead merely smiled tersely and patted the edge of the open window. Ludwig nodded in return and pulled away quickly as his brother moved away from the car.

"See you sometime on Monday," Gilbert scowled as his brother yelled from the window and finally drove away into the night, his car already lost in the fog creeping its way across any open ground it happened upon.

He wasn't some sad case, a charity cause that everyone had to take in turns to cheer up and clean up the mess.

He grumbled under his breath as he struggled with frozen fingers to turn the key in the lock, cupping both together he inhaled to create some warmth. Eventually he managed to open the door, closing it as quickly to keep in any lingering heat.

"Not shitting myself just yet, I mean, I'm 26 not 90!" His mumbling stayed rather quiet as he dumped his shoes by the door and flung his coat on the dusty sofa, trudging up the stairs he sought out his comfort, his bed.

Removing the more uncomfortable items before clambering in, head encompassed by the smoothness and sanctity provided by a soft pillow. Letting out a sigh, Gilberts eyes slid shut, his mind finally allowed to wander without prying eyes monitoring his every move.

He could feel his fatigue weighing heavily underneath his eyes, which were beginning to sting as his eyes stared up at the ceiling.

_I'm making them put up with me, they're tired of it, hell… I'm tired of it. _

Gilberts eyes widened in realisation, watering slightly, but never allowing anything to fall. He wanted to think that he was dead inside but this wasn't true, he wished he could feel dead, less emotion might allow him to act rationally_. _

He sat up slowly, his feet naked against the floorboards, the streetlights dull orange glow through the window. He ran a hand through his hair, messing it up and causing it to stick in all directions.

_Alice leaned on her knees, her hands running through his hair and styling it outrageously._

_"Your hair is soo cute Gil," She crooned and rubbed her cheek against it. Gilbert let out a sigh and rolled his eyes from his place cross-legged on the duvet. _

_"Yeah, you tell me all the time Ali," He smiled ruefully as she pecked the crown of his head from above him. _

_"It's like baby fluff," Gilbert turned and tackled her on the bed._

_"Nobody calls me a baby," He smirked at her as she laughed in reply, throwing her head back. It made him truly happy to see, she hadn't laughed much since her younger brother Alfred had been found dead in his room a few months ago. An underlying heart condition, could have struck at any time. _

Gilbert stumbled into the bathroom slowly; this melancholy seemed to follow him around. Nobody else seemed to suffer from this extreme condition called life, but perhaps a symptom was not giving a toss about what went on around you.

The harsh, artificial light of the bathroom sliced though the dark, waking him from his sleepy stupor as he gazed into the cabinet mirror.

"Why me?" His voice was thick with clogged emotion, his mouth downturned in partial anger and realisation. Why did this have to happen to him, and why must he accept the lot he'd been given and be expected to appear grateful?

_Oh, that's ashame, I heard about someone as well who…_

_It's sad but we have to carry on…_

_These things just happen…_

The mirror revealed his tired eyes rimmed with deep bruise like bags, red with irritation and lack of sleep. His skin looked waxy and drawn as opposed to his natural and healthy pale, hair entirely out-of-place and stringy.

"My whole bloody life is out-of-place," He stated quietly as he reached into the cabinet for the bottle of Valium he kept in there. As he popped a handful of the tablets into his palm, he convinced himself it was because he couldn't sleep, and pushed his family and friends faces deep into the recesses of his mind.

_Just to get some sleep, stop thinking; switch off._

Gilbert sipped tap water from a clear glass quietly as he made his way back to his bed in the darkness, swallowing the last of the tablets he lay down on top of the blankets, shifting to get more comfortable.

Slowly, his eyes drifted shut; the clock read 2:34.

His eyes opened to show the flashing red alarm, 3:09. Sluggishly he sat up, his head spinning as a wave of nausea overtook.

He leaned over and threw up a foul-tasting string of orange bile on the floor besides his bed, gagging continually at the after taste and rolling of his head. His eyes remained shut, his hands curled and shaking at the feeling of coming apart completely.

"Damn it," He crooked out, a small sob breaking from his mouth as he leaned over again and held his convulsing stomach.

_Things happen, and sometimes, bad things have to happen too. _


End file.
